“No more darkness, no more night
Now I’m so happy, no sorrow in sight
Praise the Lord, I saw the light”

I truly do believe you have to go to hell and back to get to that special destination you have always dreamed of. To become the person you strive to be. There are no shortcuts in life to any place worth going. Each human being has a story to be told. A story that makes them who they are today. Some might not even know what that story is. Others, like myself, do have a story to be told. At a younger age than most people, I started developing pages to this story of mine that I didn’t even quite know forsure would turn out the way it did. I didn’t even know forsure I was in the process of creating my own story. Or the simple yet crazy fact that the whole time I was developing these pages to my story, struggling on more pages than others, God was carrying me every step of the way. Here is my incomplete story for ya’ll, hoping you enjoy;

I grew up raised by the best parents ever. And they should be proud of the man they raised me to be. Hell, I’m proud of them. Life isn’t always perfect, though. I guess you could say my chapter to this story of mine began around the time I entered my early teens. As a teenager, I expressed myself much more than any ordinary person would. A time where most kids are scared to let their actions speak louder than their words, scared of being themselves, whoever that may be – I was all of those things. I acted in a sense that most might even consider “not normal”. But the funny thing is, is that I thought it was normal. Because, well, I was being myself. I was being all that I knew. Little did I know that being who you are can be considered a crime to some people. Getting tormented and pushed around consistently. Having kids who didn’t even know me vandalize my parents home because they thought their son was someone he was not. Going out in public and having a group of people stare at you as if you’ve done something so wrong. This was definitely the most confusing time of my life. Hands down. For years and years, I questioned my identity. I questioned who I was as a person. I questioned if I should change who I am because so many people didn’t accept it. But I was so overwhelmed by the voice of negativity, I lost focus on all the positivity surrounding me. A quote that will forever stick to my mind is a quote by the one and only Dr. Suess, “Those who mind, don’t matter. And those who matter don’t mind.” Adolescence, to say the least was rough. Going into high-school, I did feel more comfortable in who I was. But I still was unaware of who I was. I still questioned every move I made because I felt as if I were going to be judged if I did one thing out of the ordinary. Around my sophomore year, I went into depression. I slept more than ever before. Sleeping all day, only being awake for a few hours at night when every one else in the world was asleep. Never feeling more exhausted in my entire life. Living every day as if it were such a drag. Waking up every damn morning, patiently waiting for this nightmare to end. My parents’ decided to get a divorce that year. At the time, I thought they were the worst human beings. I thought “How could they do this to me?” That’s it right there. Me. It wasn’t about me. They needed to do what’s best for themselves, for once. After all, they did dedicate most of their lives to fulfilling my needs. It was time they fulfilled theirs. But I didn’t realize that, of course. So, if you are following me so far – I was going through an identity crisis, depression, and now my parents were getting a divorce. It came to the point where every day I would wake up and question my existence. I would go to therapy sessions weekly. Literally walking to my therapist down the road of my high-school after school. Some kids hangout with friends after school, other kids hangout with their therapist? I don’t know. I would ask myself and constantly ask God, who at this point, I gave up on, WHY he would have me continue to be alive. WHY am I still here? I felt as if I had no reason to be living. No desire to accomplish anything. No motivation once so ever. Then it all happened. Literally all at once.

One evening, the night Beyonce performed at the SuperBowl, it all changed. My life, my world, my God, everything had changed. It was a cold, icy, snowing evening. I was driving with one of my dear friends. She & I made it to a one way road. My car started to hydroplaning. It started swerving. As new driver at the time, I was unaware of what exactly I should do so I put the car in park and got out of the vehicle. As of right then and there, the car was at an angle by this ditch. Just barely out of the ditch. I tried pushing the car and it wouldn’t budge in the road. My friend proceeded to put the car in neutral, seeing if it would go where it is supposed to go. While she put the car in neutral, I was behind the vehicle trying to push. So, I’m standing at the edge of this ditch with the car in front of me. As she puts the car in neutral, me being behind it, the car instantly rolled back on top of me. Pinning me underneath it in this ditch. I’m trapped. One hand caught in the buffer. The other hand caught in a tree. My chest down was trapped under a 3,000 pound car. All of the weight of this car was on my chest. I’m laying underneath the vehicle in a cold patch of snow. Trapped. Unable to move. Out in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no cellphone reception. My friend finally called her parents, my dad, and they rushed to this one way road. Soon the firefighters showed up. All of this was a blur to me. I was in total shock. And for some strange reason, in the craziest of circumstances I’ve ever been – I felt at peace. I was underneath the car for about an hour or so. While underneath, I lost feeling in my legs at the time. Assuming I was paralyzed. My breathing slowed down. It become harder and harder for me to keep my eyes open and speak clearly.

I remember hearing a firefighter ask me, “Alex, how many fingers am I holding up?” And me being unable to answer him or see him clearly. He kept saying, “Alex, you must stay with us.” I heard him whisper to one of the other firemen saying, “This kids not gonna make it.” For a second or two, everything become compete darkness and I lost all the sound around me. Then out of nowhere, everything became white. Everything became so bright. I saw this light. I saw THE light. I have never felt more calm and more at peace than in that very moment. In that moment, I talked to God, telling him “God, I know I have been a mess lately. I know I have disobeyed you. And if this is the end, I understand. I don’t care if I’m paralyzed. I don’t care how many bones I have broken. Please, please just protect those I love. Let me know if I still need to fulfill my time here, Lord. Let me know if I have a purpose in this life, Lord.” Instantly, a bolt of adrenaline rushed through my veins. The Lord was not done with me just yet. The firefighters quickly pulled me out underneath the car and I was rushed onto the stretcher and in to the ambulance to be airlifted to Children’s Hospital. Everyone I knew. Literally every single person I knew was scared for my safety and my well being that very evening. God knew exactly what I needed. He knew exactly what I needed whenever I had no clue. I only made it out of that accident with a broken wrist. Now, some may consider that luck. But, I consider that a miracle. There’s not a day that goes by where I am not filled with gratefulness and thankfulness to be alive. That day started out normal, I remember every detail from that day. And it ended extraordinary. I will forever live each day like it’s my last. I will forever let God’s light shine through me and out onto others. And, I encourage YOU to do the same. Anything can happen. Anything. Look around you. Take in every detail. Today is only guaranteed. Embrace it full-heartedly. I’m blessed beyond belief. Even just the simply blessing of living and breathing on this earth. God truly is so good, all the time. Just whenever you think you have hit the end of the tunnel, a tunnel that you thought would never end. A tunnel filled with darkness. You will see a light, I promise you. I’ll never forget the moment I saw the light right before my eyes. Believe in the light because it’s there. It might be right around the corner or even right in front of you. Shine on.

“For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

The Peace Prayer, St. Francis of Assisi

Throughout the years I have realized that life doesn’t go as planned. We may have a master plan of how exactly we would like our lives to play out but we often forget the simple that that we really aren’t in charge of our lives. God is. This may sound naive. Or you may even completely disagree. But, I am a firm believer in believing everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe this so called “cliche” quote just for the hell of it. I have lived through it. I have seen it. God truly does know what He is doing. My Grandma Janet will forever be the greatest human being I may ever know. This woman taught me so much without even trying. She was my childhood. And in all honesty, losing her was like losing a part of myself. I thought to myself, how could God do this? How could God take someone so special to so many people? That’s where I was wrong. God needed her. My Grandmother struggled with a disease called cerebral palsy disorder. This disease slowly breaks down your nervous system to the very end. Causing you to lose the ability to walk, eat food properly, and even talk properly. All of this I witnessed with my Grandmother. Never in my life did I ever think I would be strong enough or even have the capability to stay by someone’s side quite like I did with my Grandmother’s. Never in my life did I think I’d much rather prefer giving up a night out with friends to stay in bed and cuddle with my Grandmother listening to Elvis’ Blue Hawaiian Soundtrack. But I did. And I wouldn’t take any of it back for a second. Throughout her struggles, I grew immensely. I grew into the human being who I never imagined I could be. A human being who found himself through the help of someone else. My Grandmother would wake up everyday, fighting, while every one else around her was living their day to day lives. She would sit in a chair for hours on head simply because she had no choice. She lived in a nursing home near the last few years of her life. A place where I would soon work and visit her everyday after my shift was over. I got a phone call the night of her passing from her care-taker. A phone call I never thought I would receive saying, “Alex, she’s not going to make it. Would you like to come over?” Without even thinking I caught myself saying yes. I started this journey of sickness with her so I knew in my heart I had to end it with her. I rushed to her nursing home and stayed by her bedside, slowly watching the life go out in her. Something most people my age, or just people in general, hardly ever experience. During the process of my Grandmother dying though, oddly enough I didn’t feel saddened for her. I knew for a fact this is what she wanted. This is what she has been waiting for for so many years. This was hers, this is OUR, temporary home. After holding her hand for the last time and watching her take that last breath, everything instantly seemed so final. I broke down. Never in my life have I had someone so extraordinary, so beautiful without even trying, and so wise without even saying much impact my life forever. My Grandmother may be gone physically, but I feel her presence with me everyday in the littlest of circumstances. She lives within me everyday and everyone else’s lives she has touched along her journey of life. Without even knowing, after continuously giving to my Grandmother – I never thought I would receive so much. So much courage, wisdom, responsibility, strength, etc. She is and will always be my biggest motivator. My motivation to live my life to the fullest, for tomorrow is an unknown mystery that may or may not happen. She taught me that you become strongest whenever you are at your weakest moments in life. And to fight like hell, till your time is done. Don’t give up. In God you live and move and you have your being. Trust in Him. With anyone at all who is going through a loss, a family member with health issues, a bad break-up, you name it – Trust in The Lord and always trust in yourself. Live one day at a time and take a breathe. Look around you at the world you have been given while you still can. God Bless. Call someone, tell them you love them.

RIP Janet Lee Kallal

1943-2014