Fear

Forget Everything and Run.

or…

Face Everything and Rise.

It’s your choice.

I was once told by a friend who has taught me so much that fear is false evidence appearing real. This comment took me awhile to process. I’ll be real, I had no idea what in the hell he was talking about. This was one of those conversations though, that you knew, you would be forever changed because of. It took me a few months, maybe even a year or so, to sit back and really consider the definition of fear.

What is fear? Why are we all so afraid?

Why do some appear fearless but, it turns out, they are more fearful that anyone?

I would like to say that all of us human beings want to be fearless. We want someone to tell us we are fearless. That we can overcome any obstacle. And we can. We are all fearless.

But, being fearless, is not something that can simply happen in the blink of an eye.

Being fearless could nearly take a lifetime.

Being fearful could last a lifetime.

Some of us are living in fear and not even realizing it.

So, where is this happy medium, you ask? How can I stop being so damn afraid? Well, sorry to break to you, but that’s not quite how it works.

And I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t afraid. Because I am. Everyday. Perhaps I do not appear that way. Maybe it’s because I am not afraid of some of the same things most people are. We all process fear differently. Everyone has their own definition of what makes them feel fear.

Fear, to me, comes in all shapes and sizes.

One thing about fear is, fear takes control. It shows no mercy. It shows no remorse. I’m taking about fear as if it is a person because in a sense, it is. Fear is you. Fear is me.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of letting someone all the way in just to have them pull theirselves away. I’m afraid of not accomplishing all my dreams and goals in life. (Aren’t we all?) I’m afraid of living a medicore life that I never anticipated for myself. I’m afraid of someone else decitating everything I should and shouldn’t do to the point where I have lost my balance. I’m afraid of losing my loved ones. I’m afraid of getting “everything I ever wanted” and having it simply just not be enough. I’m afraid of being afraid.

What’s ironic about all of which I am afraid of, and the many more, is that most of the things I listed – have happened in one way or another in my life already. And, I am here writing to you, to tell about it.

So, why would I still be afraid of all of those things? Or, why would I not be? Because I remember how I felt in those moments of despair and in those moments of hopelessness that I would never wish it upon myself again.

Fear is inevitable.

 Fear is the best and worst thing that could ever happen to you.

Fear is something we have created to pinpoint feelings of uneasiness.

I have learned when we face our fears and overcome them, we almost always come out swinging stronger than ever. Hit fear in the face. And never let it consume you.

“Confusion clouds the heart

but it also points the way.”

– Trevor Hall

Let me start off by saying, if anyone ever tells you that they quote on quote “have it all together” – they’re either bullshitting you or have some form of superpower I wish I could one day conquer.

I’ll try to make this article as relatable as possible, with that being said, I truly believe – in some way or another – we’re all a little confused.

And, I believe, that’s okay.

Whether we are confused about the world itself, religion, spirituality, friendships, ourselves, family relationships, our sexuality, having a job, going to school, making a big life change, you name it.

Any obstacle you face in this lifetime gives you an opportunity for confusion. But, even more so, it gives you an opportunity for growth.

Being confused about an certain situation can be frustrating. Very frustrating.

One thing I have realized is to call deep on your courage when dealing with any confusion.

Meaning that for someone who is afraid of the dark to then force themselves to enter a dark place.

Why is this effective? You’ll never know if you can make it through the dark unless you try. There is no hurt in trying.

Always remember, you are not alone in whatever it is you are feeling.

Does all of this sound somewhat repetitive? I know.

Sometimes the biggest life lessons are learned through repetition, repeating patterns we may not even realize we were doing until we look back on it.

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To elaborate, like I said before, without confusion – there is no growth.

People need to realize, as human beings, we are always growing. We are constantly changing. Imagine if you were the exact same person you were 10 years from now? I do not know about you, but to me, that is frankly terrifying.

Not only is it terrifying to me, but it also seems damn near impossible to even think about. I am completely different than who I was just a year ago, let alone 10 years ago. As, I am sure, most of you are as well.

Why does the terrify me? Without growth in my life, I feel like I am not fulfilling my God-given purpose.

Life happens and we experience new things everyday, some experiences impact us much more than others. Based on these experiences effects how we will deal with future situations we are put in. Our perception changes, our mindset changes.

I love change. Most people, on the other hand, can’t stand when things around them are changing.

There is nothing wrong with that, at all.

I once heard from the author,  John Maxwell, “Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.”

Think about this for a second.

We cannot stop things around us from changing. People change and life changes. That is going to happen.

We do have a choice, though. We a choice to make change impact our lives positively or negatively.

You can get stressed or pissed off that things are not going your way. We do that a lot. But, that’s a choice.

It’s also a choice to choose your attitude on any situation. Change your attitude, and the outcome of any situation can drastically change.

Change and confusion, I believe, can go hand in hand.

My main point of this article is to give you something to think about and here it is, to best summarize it all;

Without change, there would be no confusion. Without confusion, there would be no more opportunities for growth.

Considering change is inevitable, confusion will be there regardless. Confusion will be sitting alongside you whether you like it or not.

Allow yourself to be open to grow. Allow yourself to be accepting of insecurities and doubts you may have. If you don’t always question what is going on in your life, then you’re doing it wrong.

Ask questions. Be curious. We’re all curious. Grow. Develop. And, plant a harvest for this life.

A friendly reminder, you’re never too big – too small – too old or too tall – or too young to make a life change.

“Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all.” – Emily Dickinson

One of the most difficult life lessons I have ever learned and a lesson I still struggle with on a daily basis is the act of letting go.

This can include a relationship that once meant something much more than it does now, addiction, sex, drugs, alcohol, friendships, family, a bad habit, you name it. Whatever is weighing you down that you feel a sense of despair in anyway shape or form, is something you need to remove.

Before we get into how beneficial letting go can be. What happens whenever we do not let go? What happens when we hold on too long?

Now, I am not bias – I know everyone is different in the way we all think.

From my personal experience, I have noticed  when I am running away from the ability to properly let go I make myself busy. I find as many things I can do as humanly possible to distract my mind from feeling. This is the worst possible way to go about feeling anything.

You have to give yourself time to heal, time to grieve, and time to truly feel. I did not realize this until all I had was nothing to do and all the time in the world to do it. Some may consider this exciting, a blessing per say. I thought it was. At first. Then, I realized just how much I have been keeping bottling up inside of me. Realizing this resulting in confusion, fear, anger, you name it. All the emotions I wanted to steer clear from. But, we all know – whether we would like to admit it or not – this isn’t the most realistic route to go down.

Let me first introduce that letting go is not a meaning of weakness that you have once and for all given up on the particular situation you are in.

Letting go can represent a number of things partaking in your life.

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you like to recollect on some memories you have had in the past. You may do this so much so you forget about the present moment. By forgetting about the very moment you are in, you literally lose sight of all that the universe has placed directly in front of you.

Letting go is not something, I have realized, that can happen over night. This is a process and it all involves timing.

My freshman year of college was the busiest year of my life, by far. I was more involved than I ever have been. I had 3 jobs at one time on top of everything I was involved with. I rarely got much sleep. And, I ended the year with a 3.0 GPA. (Which, if anyone knows me, is a pretty big deal). I’m proud of myself, honestly. I’ll attest to that.

People need to realize though, you have to be at peace with your inner self and the emotions you are carrying in order to build others up.

Being home at first and having an immense amount of free time – I began feeling conscious of the person who I was falling short of. I realized I was holding onto past relationships that are holding me back from the present moment.

Whenever I realized this, I felt shame. I felt guilty and confused. I did not know what to do or where to go because I have not had a large amount of free time in so long I could hardly remember.

I identified with what I was feeling. Mentally and physically. I felt emotionally exhausted and uninspired. I was being rude to those closest to me. I was sleeping nearly half of the day and wasting time.

This can happen in any life-changing transition to anyone. Let’s say you are quitting a job you’ve had for awhile, you’re dating someone new, you’re moving from a place you have always been. Change and transitioning can take a toll on you.

Allow yourself to feel.

If you do not allow yourself to feel certain emotions, you’re being dishonest with yourself.

We all want to be happy. That’s a fact.

In order to be happy, we have to go through trails and tribulations of sadness, patience, hope, despair, anger, and fear.

In order to truly be happy with ourselves, we have to let go.

So, how can I ‘let go’?

What is holding you back right now? Is there a weight that is weighing heavy upon your shoulders but you can’t quite pinpoint what it is?

You have to take that chance in trusting yourself and trusting what you believe in.

It’s okay to question ourselves, who we are, what we want to become, our faith, our capability to succeed.

This is normal.

Fear, in my opinion, is the hardest part of letting go. Perhaps you want to hold on because you still have faith that the situation may turn around. Maybe you want to hold on because you have never truly let go and are unaware of the changes (good or bad) that may occur based on your decision.

Change is a part of life. We are all ever-changing, as is the world around us. Change is inevitable and the moment we realize is the first step to setting us free.

When I identified with the weight on my shoulders that I did not even realize was piling up, I envisioned a brick weighing me down.

A brick with all the information and demons that are holding me back.

I pictured myself holding this brick and tossing it into a sea of water. Sinking to the bottom. Throwing it off a bridge and watching all my burdens slowly but surely fade away into the abysses.

So, I did that. Grabbed a brick one afternoon and wrote everything down in a letter that I tied to the brick. Then, I threw it off a bridge. We all process emotions differently but with me, physically letting it go was all I needed.

I watched the brick fall into the water and it was like time stopped. I watched it go further and further away from my sight. When it finally hit the water, a large wave encompassed the river and it created a ripple effect.

This ripple effect was a symbol that all my burdens and problems can turn into something beautiful and spread into joy. Letting go fully creates the ability to feel forgiveness with yourself and all you are.

I’ll still fall short and have a hard time resisting temptation. It’s a part of life and I am only human but showing myself I am capable of letting go is an obstacle I am glad I faced. Now, being aware of the emotions when they come is something I have been consistently doing. I encourage you to do the same. Let go of toxicity and negativity in anyway you know how. This life is too short to hold anything back for too long.

To conclude, here are 3 lies you need to stop believing:

1. You’re not strong enough to do this.
2. You’re not brave enough to do this.
3. You’ve messed up too much to have any hope now.

“But I focus on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” – Philippians 3:13

God bless you all. Remember that you were made to fly.

A. Begs

 

I’d like to dedicate this open-ended article to the close-minded reader.

A question I have gotten asked repeatedly during my middle school years, high-school, and rarely but still an occuring question for me now in college.

The meaning “homosexual” for the word gay has become so prevalent that people hesitate to use the term in its original senses of “merry, lively” and “bright or showy.”

The definition of gay is someone or something bright or happy.

An example of gay is a bouquet of flowers with many brilliant colors.

I think we are all like a bouquet of flowers, honestly. We all have many colors to our personality. Some people just choose to embrace their colors a little bit more brighter than others.

Now granted, over time, our society has placed its own definition over the adjective gay by stating that it is someone who is attracted to the same sex.

The main reason why I am writing this article in the first place is mostly to raise awareness to people. To get people to THINK before they speak. Which, I can be guilty of sometimes, is very common. It’s almost too common, though.

As human beings, I’ve realized, if we can’t understand something – We must define.

We are so stuck on making sure everything is certain and cannot bear the question of uncertainty sometimes.

Growing up in a small town and basically moving from one small town to the next, I’ve noticed even more so how common it is to immediately place judgment on uncertainty.

I am not dogging on anyone who does this, odds are, you probably do not even realize you are. Which, in my opinion, is a problem.

I was raised to my authentic self. I remember being a little dude dancing around my house without having a care in the world. I applaud and thank my parents for letting me express whomever I wanted to be at such a young age and not penalizing me because I may have been acting “different”. I know for a fact, if that were the case, I would be a completely different person than who I am today.

Children are our future. As adults, we need to teach them well. The last thing we need to do is tell them to not be accepting of others.

Those years as a child are so vital and important to our future upbringing and who we become. If someone criticizes you at a young age, it’ll stick with you. You won’t forget it right away. It will stand out and you may be self-conscious of it for years to come.

I remember questioning my identity for years. In middle school and high-school, more than likely, you do not know much about yourself. Whenever everyone around you is so focused on trying to define you and you do not have the confidence to defend yourself, you start believing the labels people put on you.

I went through a few years of therapy and still seemed so stuck. I did not know who I was. But, apparently, everyone else did.

When asked the question, “Are you gay?” as a young little man, I immediately went into a down-ward shame spiral. I thought I am not good enough. I am not fitting in. Something must be wrong with me. I must be gay. THAT’S IT. Ding ding ding.

Never back then did I think the way I do today. Which, is completely normal. When you’re in your early teens – no one knows themselves – and if you say you do, you’re lying. I would never go back to middle school for that specific reason.

Now, what boggles my mind is that, adults still think this way.

If we see someone going against the current, against the “social norm”, some may either ignore – react – praise – and immediately judge because they simply do not understand.

My question is, why do you NEED to understand? You don’t.

Like I said, some people like to embrace their colors more than others.

We are all so different and so similar to one another. That is what is so beautiful about human nature.

Embracing our differences and connecting with others because of those differences – people, this is what makes us who we are.

SO, what exactly did I do to become a self-confident, humble, happy dude I am today? This process definitely doesn’t happen over night. One thing I realized, I was investing my time in all the wrong relationships. I never spent time alone because I was scared of loneliness because that is when the worst, painful thoughts would come to mind. How did I overcome this? A moment that comes to mind is when I would literally practice staring at myself in the mirror. Sometimes, often, I would just trash talk myself. Call myself gay. You name it. Everyone else was. Then, I remember a day where I literally just looked in the mirror and said “You’re awesome.” I stared at all my acne, my jean shorted Hollister wearing self and said just “you’re awesome”. I began practicing saying self-worth things in the mirror daily. I started spending a lot of time journaling every thought, good or bad, that came to mind. I spent so much time alone. I watched videos and television shows that were far too mature for kids my age at the time. I would watch talk shows like Oprah and Ellen and just feel inspired because they were being real and making themselves seen. And that is what I wanted, to make myself seen. For who I am not for what others label me as. I started listening to music I actually wanted to listen to. I connected with spirituality and nature. I found out what I am interested in, not what everyone else is interested in or not what is “popular”. Yada, yada, you get the picture.

As a male, I’ve noticed it is almost considered a weakness to embrace who you truly are. Us men don’t want to be vulnerable and make ourselves seen.

When we see a man who is embracing who he is. A man who is whole-hearted and genuinely happy with the universe and all that is placed around him. That’s DEFINITELY not “normal”.

Who defines this normality? We do.

We create our own reality.

What a disgusting thought it is to picture all of us exactly the same as one another.

Imagine a world where we all embraced eachother’s unique traits.

Well, I’m here to tell you to stop imaging that and get out into this world and go to that.

Do not be ashamed.

I was told a quote at a very young age by the late and great Dr. Suess,

“Why fit it when you were born to stand out?”

And, to tie in with that, “Those who mind don’t matter. Those who matter don’t mind.”

So to answer the question, “Are you gay?”

To the reader who only wanted the answer, I apologize for your inconvenience. Not that it is anyone’s business in the first place or the fact that it wouldn’t matter if I was or wasn’t because I would still be who I am regardless.

My own definition of ME; “A being who cannot be compromised. An individual who considers their flaws their strengths and remains humble to the open possibilities surrounding themselves within theirselves.”

As, what would be considered an ‘older’ definition of gay, I guess you could say I am as gay as they come. I have always had a very happy heart and I look at life unlike most people do. I see each day as a beautiful gift from God himself. I have the love of Christ pouring out of me and I refuse to just keep that bottled up. I cannot even put into words the amount of joy Him alone fills my spirit. I will fully embrace His bright light and continously pour that out onto others. Maybe this might come off controversial to some. Or misunderstood. But, I am not here to sit and get your sympathy or self-respect. I respect myself enough as is.

Which is the beauty in and of itself, I have developed a confidence from these three words more than I ever thought I was capable of.

When asked the question now, “Are you gay?” I respond with, “What makes you think I am?” Unlike in the past where I would immediately freak out and say “NO.”

When they would respond with my question back to them, it goes like this;

“You just always seem so happy”

“You dress with very unique clothes, bright clothes, etc”

“You’re voice is high”

“You don’t play any sports”

None of which have to do with the physical attraction between the same sex.

Do you see what I’m getting at people?

It’s mind-boggling to me that some actually think this way.

Never be fearful of discovering who you are inside and letting that voice be heard. It is truly the most liberating feeling finding yourself in the craziest and most beautiful circumstances.

I encourage you to be your authentic and real self. It’s easier said than done, I know this. It’s a practice. Practice gratitude.

There is the same person staring back at you in the mirror everyday. Make the person staring back someone you know is worthy of love and belonging.

Life is about WHO YOU ARE not WHAT YOU ARE.

God Bless, Always.

A. Begs

Wild horses, couldn’t drag me away.

Wild horses, we’ll ride them someday.

I have always been a hopeless romantic.

I have always had a heart far too bigger than I thought was normal for a guy my age.

Growing up, seeing all of my other friends getting into relationships, I sat there alone most of the time. Mostly just questioning why I wasn’t good enough to be with someone. I questioned what I should change about myself. What can I do differently to attract someone? Why am I different?

I thought this way for years. Trying so hard to impress others when, in the process, I wasn’t being genuine to myself.

It dawned on me that this is the worst possible way to go about your daily life. I stopped looking for anyone. I stopped finding other people to impress and I started to find myself.

I started a journey to impress myself, to fall in love with myself.

If you do not love yourself, there is no way you can love someone else.

I heard this saying before and took it with a grain of salt, then I realized how brilliant and how true this is.

I needed to get off my ass, stop throwing myself a pity party every day, and love myself.

I began spending a lot of time alone getting to know myself and being comfortable with my own presence and my own thoughts.

After practicing this, I became more confident than I have ever been. I began to know myself for who I truly am. And, I embraced that fully.

I can honestly say, there is nothing more liberating.

Once you stop looking for beauty and realize that it’s right there in front of you is one of the best lessons to be learned.

Do not focus solely on searching for beauty because you may just miss out on the beauty that is within you.

This past summer, I had a summer romance.

It was spontaneous, beautiful, exciting, thrilling, new, fresh, you name it.

Almost as if it were too good to be true.

A relationship that happened out of the blue because two people’s worlds collided at the most unexpected time. A relationship that happened so fast and ended even faster.

So, to the girl who stole my heart this summer, I have a few words for you.

First of all,

Thank you.

I genuinely mean that.

Without you so gracefully sweeping me off my feet even for a short period of time, I don’t think I would be where I am today.

You took me to places, not necessarily physically, but mentally that I never thought I was capable of going.

You showed me to believe in love at first sight. And, most importantly, to believe in myself.

Sometimes I feel like you even believed in me more than you believed in yourself.

Your selflessness in the relationship will forever be admirable to me.

You made me realize spontaneity is the root of all life’s greatest treasures.

Most importantly, you made me realize it is okay to let go and it is okay to be vulnerable to someone even if you may have only known them for a short period of time.

Conversation. Connection. Two words that can start something so beautiful. And, two words that can end something before it ever really started.

Life has a way of surprising us all. We never know what to expect, that is for sure.

You may think you know someone, and they’ll show you your true colors.

People change and so do you. Time doesn’t stop for anyone.

Losing someone, anyone, who once meant the world to you is obviously not easy. But, it is definitely not the end of the world. If anything, it’s a new beginning.

Just like a wildflower, for a period of time it is in full bloom and brighter than ever, over time – the flower dies out. It dies out but there is still hope. There is still potential. There is still faith for the flower over time to bloom once again and became alive again.

You don’t ever have to die out.

If anything, I encourage you to stay in full bloom for as long as possible. Take it all in.

Find beauty inside of you, because it’s there and it always will be.

Before going into a serious relationship, I’d say, the most important thing to be conscious of before jumping into anything is quite simple actually. Be self-aware. It’s easy to get so caught up in finding someone that you lose yourself in the process and the relationship turns out being the complete opposite of what you expected. Why does this happen? Because you simply aren’t considering your own feelings in the relationship. You’re so caught up in pleasing the other person. At the end of the day, please yourself and I guarantee others will follow.

Our ideal partner is more than likely someone who is a reflection of us. Someone who understands YOU. Someone who can relate to YOU.

Many people go through life being in relationship after relationship. They are so reliant on others that they don’t even know themselves at all. These are the people who don’t know what it’s like to be confident in themselves, they have had everything handed to them. Maybe they’ve never accomplished anything without the help of their significant other?

The people who can’t stand to be alone, they have always had someone to talk to. Someone to tell their problems to. Instead of dealing with it personally.

It’s sad that some people also don’t know what it is to truly be happy, they consider happiness almost as if it is a “destination”. That if I get this car, that boy, that girl, this house, the latest high-tech gadget, then they WILL be happy. Yes, you may be happy. Temporarily. That’s the key word. Happiness is an emotion, it comes and goes.

Now, with touching base on these few topics, let me elaborate just a little bit to try and steer you towards the right direction on which you can achieve that self-love you need in order to successfully love all of those who come into your path.

1. Confidence

Gaining that confidence in yourself might be the hardest thing for you to do, or the easiest thing to do, depending on the way you look at it. Start out by asking yourself simple questions. Questions maybe that you never thought you would ask yourself because they sound so bizarre.

Try asking yourself, “Do I like myself?”, “What do I like about myself?”, “What makes me who I am?” Embrace that. Flaunt it. Own it.

Look into the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are. Tell yourself that you are worth it. Tell yourself that you’re amazing. Repetition is a great thing. And it works. Don’t believe me? Try it yourself and see.

At first, you may think you’re crazy, but, the way you present yourself will either positively effect you or negatively effect you. It’s you’re choice. Believe in all that you are. Everyone has insecurities. We’re human beings. Don’t shy away because of one flaw you think you have, you could miss out on something so spectacular. If you truly believe that you are beautiful, someone will do the same.

2. Being Comfortable with “Loneliness”  

I’d say, one of the greatest life lessons I have ever learned was being comfortable being alone with myself.

Have you ever thought; “Why am I sitting alone at home?”, “I need to hangout with someone”, or whenever you are actually “alone” you’re constantly distracting yourself from your own thoughts. You do this by, maybe, playing on your phone or sitting on the computer aimlessly scrolling through your twitter feed.

Try this, I recommend sitting in complete silence just for about 5-10 minutes. Yes, you may consider yourself being completely bored to death. I did at first as well, so you’re not alone there. But just sit there, be with your own thoughts. This can be overwhelming. Especially if you have never sat in silence before. But, that makes it all the more necessary.

We live in a generation that is constantly moving and growing. Almost as if we have no time to sit and breathe. Focus on nothing but the now. On what you are doing at this very moment.

Instead of distracting yourself by being on your phone or reading the latest gossip on social media, go for a walk. Put the cellphone down and go into the fresh air. This world was made for you. Look at the trees. Listen to the birds sing. Feel the wind in your hair. All these things can be so much more fulfilling to you and also make you comfortable being in your own presence.

Ease your mind. Consider writing a journal. Life doesn’t have to be 140 characters or less. As simple as just waking up in the morning – take a deep breath, focus on your breathing. And most importantly, let go of the expectations you think people have towards you. Life isn’t always going to go 100% as planned. You’re not perfect. Be still. Be present. At the end of the day, realize this, you are the person you go to bed with every night. When you look into the mirror, it’s a reflection of who you are. Be comfortable with that. Realize deeply that you are one.

3. True Happiness

In the beginning of Beyonce’s song ‘Pretty Hurts’, a man asks, “What is your aspiration in life?”

Beyonce simply replied, “My aspiration in life…would be… to be happy”.

I think we could all agree we would say the same thing in one way or another. But, what is happiness?

Angry, mad, sad, glad, scared, calm, crabby, crazed, bored, frustrated, stressed, cheerful, happy.

All these are emotions and feelings that come and go.

How can I just BE happy?

Happiness is not a mental state that will permanently stay put in your life.

But, with being accepting in who you are and training your mind to let go of the negative and focus on the positive. Achieving happiness becomes so much more easier for you. Being a happy person doesn’t mean you are always smiling, it doesn’t mean you never have a bad day. Hell, we all have bad days. But genuinely being happy, you focus always on the good of a situation and what impacted you instead of instantly jumping to the bad. It may sound cliche, but true happiness comes from within. Within believing in ourselves. Don’t look for something or someone to bring you that happiness you have longed to desire for. Look to yourself. That happiness you’ve been searching for is right in front of you. Happiness is a choice. Appreciate what you have and no longer compare yourself to others. Start in this very moment to choose and be happy. Not tomorrow. Not next week. But, now. Everything else is uncertain. Learn how to detach yourself specifically on the outcome of the situation and just enjoy the ride.

You can never be happy as someones other half unless you can be happy as a whole all on your own

Some like it black, some like it green
Nobody’s everybody’s favorite
So you might as well just make it how you please

As I sit here, ironically drinking a cup of tea, I was inspired to write this. One of the greatest life lessons I can say I’ve ever learned is to STOP being such a people pleaser.

Stop telling yourself you have to act this way, dress this way, hang around this specific group of people who you have no interest in, just because you feel obligated to. You are not being true to yourself when doing this.

At the end of the day, you are all you’ve got.

You are the same person who looked into the mirror as yesterday.

Be proud of who you are and others will do the same.

I can honestly say, nothing is more liberating than removing negative relationships from your life that have been dragging you down consistently. Surround yourself with people who are only going to focus on lifting you up. Surround yourself with the people who make you a better you. I know it may sound a little cliche, but this works.

Throughout many years, I thought I had to hangout with a certain type of crowd to “fit in”. I thought I had to listen to certain music because if I listened to something not most of my “friends” listened to, then I’d be weird. Almost as if I were ashamed to be different. Like, being different was a crime.

Let me tell you one thing, being different is the most beautiful thing in human nature to me.

EVERYONE OF US IS DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER.

Yes, a lot of us do share similar characteristics and share the same interests – but what makes us beautiful is the fact that there is SOMETHING about us that makes each and every one of us stand out. And those who are so called “different” just embrace that much more than the people who are afraid to. Don’t be afraid to stand out. God made you, he hand-crafted your very being. Embrace the life He has given you. Don’t let someone else, someone who is clearly not you nor ever will be, tell you how to live your life.

Wear what you want to wear, hangout with who you want to hangout with, listen to the music YOU enjoy.

I cannot stress enough that this life is YOURS. Make it your own.

We all start with a blank canvas when we are born. Don’t let someone else hold your brush.

“No more darkness, no more night
Now I’m so happy, no sorrow in sight
Praise the Lord, I saw the light”

I truly do believe you have to go to hell and back to get to that special destination you have always dreamed of. To become the person you strive to be. There are no shortcuts in life to any place worth going. Each human being has a story to be told. A story that makes them who they are today. Some might not even know what that story is. Others, like myself, do have a story to be told. At a younger age than most people, I started developing pages to this story of mine that I didn’t even quite know forsure would turn out the way it did. I didn’t even know forsure I was in the process of creating my own story. Or the simple yet crazy fact that the whole time I was developing these pages to my story, struggling on more pages than others, God was carrying me every step of the way. Here is my incomplete story for ya’ll, hoping you enjoy;

I grew up raised by the best parents ever. And they should be proud of the man they raised me to be. Hell, I’m proud of them. Life isn’t always perfect, though. I guess you could say my chapter to this story of mine began around the time I entered my early teens. As a teenager, I expressed myself much more than any ordinary person would. A time where most kids are scared to let their actions speak louder than their words, scared of being themselves, whoever that may be – I was all of those things. I acted in a sense that most might even consider “not normal”. But the funny thing is, is that I thought it was normal. Because, well, I was being myself. I was being all that I knew. Little did I know that being who you are can be considered a crime to some people. Getting tormented and pushed around consistently. Having kids who didn’t even know me vandalize my parents home because they thought their son was someone he was not. Going out in public and having a group of people stare at you as if you’ve done something so wrong. This was definitely the most confusing time of my life. Hands down. For years and years, I questioned my identity. I questioned who I was as a person. I questioned if I should change who I am because so many people didn’t accept it. But I was so overwhelmed by the voice of negativity, I lost focus on all the positivity surrounding me. A quote that will forever stick to my mind is a quote by the one and only Dr. Suess, “Those who mind, don’t matter. And those who matter don’t mind.” Adolescence, to say the least was rough. Going into high-school, I did feel more comfortable in who I was. But I still was unaware of who I was. I still questioned every move I made because I felt as if I were going to be judged if I did one thing out of the ordinary. Around my sophomore year, I went into depression. I slept more than ever before. Sleeping all day, only being awake for a few hours at night when every one else in the world was asleep. Never feeling more exhausted in my entire life. Living every day as if it were such a drag. Waking up every damn morning, patiently waiting for this nightmare to end. My parents’ decided to get a divorce that year. At the time, I thought they were the worst human beings. I thought “How could they do this to me?” That’s it right there. Me. It wasn’t about me. They needed to do what’s best for themselves, for once. After all, they did dedicate most of their lives to fulfilling my needs. It was time they fulfilled theirs. But I didn’t realize that, of course. So, if you are following me so far – I was going through an identity crisis, depression, and now my parents were getting a divorce. It came to the point where every day I would wake up and question my existence. I would go to therapy sessions weekly. Literally walking to my therapist down the road of my high-school after school. Some kids hangout with friends after school, other kids hangout with their therapist? I don’t know. I would ask myself and constantly ask God, who at this point, I gave up on, WHY he would have me continue to be alive. WHY am I still here? I felt as if I had no reason to be living. No desire to accomplish anything. No motivation once so ever. Then it all happened. Literally all at once.

One evening, the night Beyonce performed at the SuperBowl, it all changed. My life, my world, my God, everything had changed. It was a cold, icy, snowing evening. I was driving with one of my dear friends. She & I made it to a one way road. My car started to hydroplaning. It started swerving. As new driver at the time, I was unaware of what exactly I should do so I put the car in park and got out of the vehicle. As of right then and there, the car was at an angle by this ditch. Just barely out of the ditch. I tried pushing the car and it wouldn’t budge in the road. My friend proceeded to put the car in neutral, seeing if it would go where it is supposed to go. While she put the car in neutral, I was behind the vehicle trying to push. So, I’m standing at the edge of this ditch with the car in front of me. As she puts the car in neutral, me being behind it, the car instantly rolled back on top of me. Pinning me underneath it in this ditch. I’m trapped. One hand caught in the buffer. The other hand caught in a tree. My chest down was trapped under a 3,000 pound car. All of the weight of this car was on my chest. I’m laying underneath the vehicle in a cold patch of snow. Trapped. Unable to move. Out in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no cellphone reception. My friend finally called her parents, my dad, and they rushed to this one way road. Soon the firefighters showed up. All of this was a blur to me. I was in total shock. And for some strange reason, in the craziest of circumstances I’ve ever been – I felt at peace. I was underneath the car for about an hour or so. While underneath, I lost feeling in my legs at the time. Assuming I was paralyzed. My breathing slowed down. It become harder and harder for me to keep my eyes open and speak clearly.

I remember hearing a firefighter ask me, “Alex, how many fingers am I holding up?” And me being unable to answer him or see him clearly. He kept saying, “Alex, you must stay with us.” I heard him whisper to one of the other firemen saying, “This kids not gonna make it.” For a second or two, everything become compete darkness and I lost all the sound around me. Then out of nowhere, everything became white. Everything became so bright. I saw this light. I saw THE light. I have never felt more calm and more at peace than in that very moment. In that moment, I talked to God, telling him “God, I know I have been a mess lately. I know I have disobeyed you. And if this is the end, I understand. I don’t care if I’m paralyzed. I don’t care how many bones I have broken. Please, please just protect those I love. Let me know if I still need to fulfill my time here, Lord. Let me know if I have a purpose in this life, Lord.” Instantly, a bolt of adrenaline rushed through my veins. The Lord was not done with me just yet. The firefighters quickly pulled me out underneath the car and I was rushed onto the stretcher and in to the ambulance to be airlifted to Children’s Hospital. Everyone I knew. Literally every single person I knew was scared for my safety and my well being that very evening. God knew exactly what I needed. He knew exactly what I needed whenever I had no clue. I only made it out of that accident with a broken wrist. Now, some may consider that luck. But, I consider that a miracle. There’s not a day that goes by where I am not filled with gratefulness and thankfulness to be alive. That day started out normal, I remember every detail from that day. And it ended extraordinary. I will forever live each day like it’s my last. I will forever let God’s light shine through me and out onto others. And, I encourage YOU to do the same. Anything can happen. Anything. Look around you. Take in every detail. Today is only guaranteed. Embrace it full-heartedly. I’m blessed beyond belief. Even just the simply blessing of living and breathing on this earth. God truly is so good, all the time. Just whenever you think you have hit the end of the tunnel, a tunnel that you thought would never end. A tunnel filled with darkness. You will see a light, I promise you. I’ll never forget the moment I saw the light right before my eyes. Believe in the light because it’s there. It might be right around the corner or even right in front of you. Shine on.

“For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

The Peace Prayer, St. Francis of Assisi

Throughout the years I have realized that life doesn’t go as planned. We may have a master plan of how exactly we would like our lives to play out but we often forget the simple that that we really aren’t in charge of our lives. God is. This may sound naive. Or you may even completely disagree. But, I am a firm believer in believing everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe this so called “cliche” quote just for the hell of it. I have lived through it. I have seen it. God truly does know what He is doing. My Grandma Janet will forever be the greatest human being I may ever know. This woman taught me so much without even trying. She was my childhood. And in all honesty, losing her was like losing a part of myself. I thought to myself, how could God do this? How could God take someone so special to so many people? That’s where I was wrong. God needed her. My Grandmother struggled with a disease called cerebral palsy disorder. This disease slowly breaks down your nervous system to the very end. Causing you to lose the ability to walk, eat food properly, and even talk properly. All of this I witnessed with my Grandmother. Never in my life did I ever think I would be strong enough or even have the capability to stay by someone’s side quite like I did with my Grandmother’s. Never in my life did I think I’d much rather prefer giving up a night out with friends to stay in bed and cuddle with my Grandmother listening to Elvis’ Blue Hawaiian Soundtrack. But I did. And I wouldn’t take any of it back for a second. Throughout her struggles, I grew immensely. I grew into the human being who I never imagined I could be. A human being who found himself through the help of someone else. My Grandmother would wake up everyday, fighting, while every one else around her was living their day to day lives. She would sit in a chair for hours on head simply because she had no choice. She lived in a nursing home near the last few years of her life. A place where I would soon work and visit her everyday after my shift was over. I got a phone call the night of her passing from her care-taker. A phone call I never thought I would receive saying, “Alex, she’s not going to make it. Would you like to come over?” Without even thinking I caught myself saying yes. I started this journey of sickness with her so I knew in my heart I had to end it with her. I rushed to her nursing home and stayed by her bedside, slowly watching the life go out in her. Something most people my age, or just people in general, hardly ever experience. During the process of my Grandmother dying though, oddly enough I didn’t feel saddened for her. I knew for a fact this is what she wanted. This is what she has been waiting for for so many years. This was hers, this is OUR, temporary home. After holding her hand for the last time and watching her take that last breath, everything instantly seemed so final. I broke down. Never in my life have I had someone so extraordinary, so beautiful without even trying, and so wise without even saying much impact my life forever. My Grandmother may be gone physically, but I feel her presence with me everyday in the littlest of circumstances. She lives within me everyday and everyone else’s lives she has touched along her journey of life. Without even knowing, after continuously giving to my Grandmother – I never thought I would receive so much. So much courage, wisdom, responsibility, strength, etc. She is and will always be my biggest motivator. My motivation to live my life to the fullest, for tomorrow is an unknown mystery that may or may not happen. She taught me that you become strongest whenever you are at your weakest moments in life. And to fight like hell, till your time is done. Don’t give up. In God you live and move and you have your being. Trust in Him. With anyone at all who is going through a loss, a family member with health issues, a bad break-up, you name it – Trust in The Lord and always trust in yourself. Live one day at a time and take a breathe. Look around you at the world you have been given while you still can. God Bless. Call someone, tell them you love them.

RIP Janet Lee Kallal

1943-2014